Academics

Remember the days from back in middle school when your class representatives promised a life without homework or grades? Those Elysian days have finally arrived, with mandated A grades for all but the 10 or so STEM majors at Yale.

Social life

We've heard Alex Fisher, and we've had enough too. Toad's seediness could be used for far better purposes. When was the last time you came home to study for an orgo exam only to find a sock on your door or explosive sounds coming from your room?

With Toad's as a love hotel, we will also become the oldest college to have a student-owned cooperative love hotel. After all, we love being the oldest. Best of all, the discreet sex going on in the STAXXX will find a new, much more comfortable home.

YCC elections

YCC members have far more important things to do than campaigning for elections, like singing at a capella concerts, partying it up at one of the many fine establishments near Dwight or Howe, prepping to be leaders in faraway countries, or being Youtube celebrities.

Running for elections is wasting their time and ours. With Quinn as our Dear Leader who will appoint enslaved minions to serve as YCC functionaries, we will forever eliminate this blight of a week from campus!